Dear Haiti, please text some money to Mexico, thanks.

Some of you might worry that getting your news from Pinko’s World is leaving you less informed that your friends who get there news for more “legitimate” sources. Well, here are the headlines from MSN.com tonight 1) “Boy Short Panties Bring out Your Playful Side” 2) “Reinvent Your Space for Under $200" 3) “What’s the Hottest Lip Color this Spring”. I think you may be much better off getting your news from us. Well, unless you need to know about lip colors, then you may want the “legitimate” news.

Ok, I’m no end of the world theorist, but in the past few months there have been major earthquakes in Haiti, Chile, Turkey, Indonesia, Japan, Chile again, and now Mexico. That seems like a whole lot of shaking going on. I looked at global seismic data and learned that there are dozens of small earthquakes all over the world every day, but it sure seems like there have been more major quakes than normal. And Haiti got all the money. What number do I text to to send $10 to Indonesia? Mexico? Japan? Nope, Haiti got all the money, the lesson of which is that if you’re going to have a massive natural disaster be sure to go first, if your country get shaken to pieces right after Haiti, there is no help coming, there’s no money coming. You’re on your own.

In war news, militants exploded four bombs in quick succession Monday close to the U.S. Consulate in the northwestern Pakistani city of Peshawar, police and witnesses said.Close isn’t really the right term to use here. The bombs were set up 20 feet outside the front door. Earlier Monday, at least 19 people were killed and more than 100 injured when a suicide bomber attacked a political party rally elsewhere in the northwest. Suicide attackers detonated three car bombs near embassies in Baghdad on Sunday, killing at least 38 people and wounding more than 200 in back-to-back bombings. Authorities said they foiled two other attacks aimed at diplomatic targets.The bombings came two days after a chilling execution-style attack by gunmen who raided homes south of Baghdad, killing 24 people, many of them believed to be anti-Al Qaeda fighters. So, while everything is “going great” and we’re winning the war, the war rages on and the innocent are killed. Mr. President bring the brave men and women of our armed forces home.

In “no one ever told me that” news, Israel performed air strikes on the southern region of Gaza, you know the usual. Targets included a refugee camp workshop and a cheese factory. According to an eyewitness, the cheese factory has been bombed before ... really? I guess Jews hate cheese, who knew? Ok, this is how complicated Israeli/Palestinian relations are. Israel starts building a neighborhood within their own country, Palestine objects because that’s where they want to live. Palestinians fire rockets at Israel in response which prompts Israel to scramble the fighters and bomb the cheese factory. Here’s where it’s all stupid. Israel was building inside Israel, it would be like the United States building a apartment complex in Michigan and the Canadians getting so mad that they fired rockets into the United States. The only good part is that the Hamas fighters are so bad at firing rockets that they didn’t actually hit Israel ... they all fell short of the border. Ok, Israel is a small country, but it is a COUNTRY, how bad are you at rockets that you can’t hit a nation with one? But Israel doesn’t want them thinking they got away with accidently bombing themselves so they called in the cheese factory air strike anyway. That’ll show them.

So, happy Monday to you all, and as a PS I would just like to mention that the value of the US Dollar dropped so far that today it is equal in value to the Canadian Dollar. I used to go to Canada and live it up for 4 days for about $200 US, we’re talking hotel, dinners out, drinks out ... the whole nine. Those days, it would seem, are over!